In the mornings, I ride the bus to work. Well, I ride the bus toward work, then I get off and walk about two miles. Today, like usual, I faced a conundrum once I set foot up the steps of the bus.
Do I sit in handicap? Why not? More than half are empty. What are the odds that I'm gonna get five handicappers in the next three stops? Does being a senior count as a handicap? Then, I'd be screwed. F@#$ it, I'm just sitting up here because then I will get off faster. But if there are five handicappers, it's embarrasing to be the young stallion that moves. At that point it's too late.
Do you give the seat up? You have to, right? But at that point I'm thinking so hard that the sweat protrudes underneath my arms and today happens to be the day I'm wearing white. Then I stand up, and not only am I forced out of my seat, but I hold onto the bar above my head for the world to see - look at this sweaty f@#$ up.
For those of you who know me, you understand that I overthink things the way Jack Nicholson overeats things. Something as minor as stepping on the bus requires thoughts that could fill a crossword puzzle.
Anyway, this morning as I step on to the bus I decide to take a seat in the first couple rows, and when I do, I accidentally bump the lady's shoes next to me.
Sorry, I said.
Before she has a chance to respond, she nudges my shoes twice. Twice. I'm thinking, look, handicap or not I'll throw you off this bus right now b@#$%. But when I look up she has this silly grin on her face like she was just teasing.
But then I realize she was in the middle of reading the Onion, and therefore was no longer sure if she was grinning because she was being playful, or grinning at people who write dumber than me.
So I'm going through my mind trying to understand the options: Did she kick my shoes just to spite me? Was it flirtatious? F@#$ I hope not. Maybe those are her grandmother's shoes I just clumsily scuffed. Maybe she wore those on the Titanic and they're the only reminder kept alive from that part of the family.
But wait, didn't she get me back. Twice! No less. Screw her, right? Even if she was being playful, twice was over the top. Just like Obama's speech last night. The shoes look like Easter eggs anyways. Pastel and striped. I don't care if Grandma was wearing them, she had terrible taste and deserved to die.
Wow, now I'm going a bit over the top. I scrunched my feet in the corner behind me and all I could hear is the overt snickering of the lady beside me.
Haha I won, I'm sure she was thinking. This butterscotch stallion won't sit up front any more.
And that's when I exited the bus and 'accidentally' stepped on her toes.