"This blog used to read, 'I haven't sold out yet but I'm willing to negotiate'...now it should be...'My asking price was too low'"
Thursday, April 1, 2010
From Frat Boy With Love...
You see these pecs? Ha, ya as if you could miss 'em. I know y'all check me out when I strut by. Enamored by my glorious, statuesque physique. Probably salivating while asking yourself - how can I get a man like that? That's probably why you're on that eliptical, huh? Toning that a@# so you can get a piece of mine. Ya, that's you. You know how you stare and watch me over on the bicep curl machine. Watching my veins pulsate to the rhythym of my iPod. Most likely fantasizing of towelling me dry after a set of 10 repititions.
You're probably wondering how I got to be this poster boy of excellence. Well first, just check the calves. Sick, right? The way they bulge out of my skin practically begging to be noticed. I don't even need to work 'em out that much, just BAM! they're ready at all times. Look at how they shine, ever wonder why they glisten? Hair gel, ya, that's the secret. Most idiots don't know you gotta lather up those puppies before hitting up the gym. Can get a bit sticky when doing squats, but POW! we ain't pussies are we?
Look at that scrawny dweeb jogging on the treadmill. Probably plays soccer or some other sport for fags. Ha, what a tool. Look at him with his long hair and puny legs. Bet I could squat like three of him. Thinks he's all slick with his 'cardio' bull@#$$. Sure he's never had a broad in his life. Dude gets less play than a pre-schooler in timeout. He definitely doesn't read Maxim.
Speaking of which, last time we chatted you said you had a boyfriend. I bet he's a real loser. SHAZAM! Does he have trap muscles like Promotheus and me? Ya, you know it, I know all the Greek Gods. You can probably tell from all my wicked smarts that I'm of Greek descent. Half those dudes were like my great-uncles. Do you think my triceps need growth. Hahaha, kidding. I love when I make jokes.
So ya, about that failure of a boyfriend you're gonna dump. You said he's in law school? Wow, cool, cops are so tough ha ha. You want a man in uniform? You should see my bouncer outfit. Talk about roleplay. Bring police man over to my neck of the woods, I'll show him who has the power. No one steps foot in that club before going through me ya see. What do you mean he's not gonna be a cop? Why the hell's he going to law school then?
Whatever. He obviously is confused. Unlike me, while he's studying for the bar I'll be running the bar! KABAM! You heard right, I'm gettting my bartending license in a few weeks. Mad tips! Free shots to all the honey's with cleavage he he. See that chick over there. Always going to that tanning booth over on 1st Street. It's called cancer, honey, it's all about the spray-on. You don't get this copper bronze for nothing. Someone even said I looked like that Boehner politician dude. So when I'm not being compared to Zeus I'm like the President's assistant or whatever.
Look, before I waste anymore time with someone who's not even as hot as Snooki, come spot me on the dumbell flys. Oh, what's my tattoo say? Fear This...BOOYA! Barb wire wrapped around it coming soon. You know The Situation, right? Well, you're officially spotting the Feature Presentation.