Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Not As Think As You Dumb

The past few months, this blog has shifted toward an emphatic trend of exercise - specifically triathlon training. Most posts touch on the subject to some degree and it's fitting because having a life and being a triathlete are mutually exclusive. With all the gear, time training, information overloading and upkeep thereof, most of my nights are spent lazily reading or watching TV (or streaking through undergrad classes). It's exhausting (especially when people steal your clothes). Socializing morphs into ephemeral visits as weekends are booked with long training sessions. If I were training for an Ironman like some of my friends, they'd take it a step further and claim their entire existence revolves around the big 3 (booze, sex and marijuana...oops wrong set of friends).

Nevertheless, some of you may have wondered where that irascible political crank is lurking - somewhere  sandwiched between pool sets and the stationary bike. Did this guy (I love referring to me in the third person, it's almost less egotistical...nevermind...it's more) drop his intellectual inclinations completely and revert to jock status full-time?

Au contrare. I was never a curmudgeon to begin with (excuse moi...me?!?!).

No, actually, my long-distance cardio training is generally in the malapropistic 'persistent contemplative state'. Better than the typical vegetative state I imagine. I'm able to sort through my political quandaries and make those staircase - L'esprit de l'escalier - remarks hours afterwards (lots of French today ladies and gents or should I say Les mesdames and Les messieurs). Of course these remarks lose poignancy as I mumble them to myself and forget to write 'em down by the time I shower.

Tidbits of note: I have ingratiated with the anarchists (insert horrified shocks!!). As my nihilistic nature, I've found a home with other cranks and as a fledgling convert I have been reading voraciously about it. My transformation from statist to libertarian to anarchist is about as dramatic as Kim Kardashian becoming an ascetic (or reading a dinner menu). Much of my immersion deals with the concepts of liberty, autonomy, and the rejection of institutions of coercion and power (unless I'm in charge...then it's cool). As this exploration is on-going, feel free to ask more in the comments if you want to read posts about it.

I'm reading Howard Zinn's "A People's History.." This book reads like a highlight reel of coaches Sandusky and Fine on steroids. Each infraction (of our nation's past) is more egregrious than the last. I'm actually ashamed of my ignorance regarding my own country. I can't believe I've waited so long to read it (but I have read lots of People Magazines in the meantime so that should count for something). As awful as I think of most American History (and present, mind you) and our infatuation with exceptionalism, it's like getting mad at Hitler for wearing a mustache. There are bigger problems dude.

I wrote a significant paper in my culture class on American Exceptionalism and got a 95. Happy about that, especially since I got a 74 on the first exam. Maybe now I won't have to sleep with the professor to pass the class, but I'm gonna leave that option on the table for now...

The feminism club is wrapping up as we had our last official meeting of the semester yesterday night. Incredibly successful year after what initially appeared to be minimal participation. We're gonna have a party/dinner thing (I suggested going to a strip club) next Monday night and look forward to a strong spring semester. That was a no on my recommendation btw.

As far as I know, I'm still composing columns for the Eagle. I tried to write a challenging one on the military and even sent questions out to ROTC cadets and veterans on-campus but they thought my questions were offensive and refused to answer them via email. One guy said they were unprofessional and wrote a complaint to the editor-in-chief. Good times. Maybe next semeseter.

Absolutely loved every page of Klosterman's book and will be reading "Damned" by Palahniuk imminently. I'm also midway through "Corrections" by Franzen. Perhaps the greatest writer of our time (I say perhaps because I don't want to personally take offense).

Also, still adjusting to working full-time again, but so far so good. I haven't fallen asleep at my desk yet and when I get bored I just jog some stairs. Anyway, I'm always open for input on future posts so if there's anything specific you want to read about, I will most likely happily oblige. If not, perhaps I'll torment you guys with some more riddles or poetry...after all I'm in charge on here aren't I????

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Garmin Turkey Trot and Last Week's Workouts



Monday: Lift. 30 minute hard stationary bike. Break. 30 minute hard stationary bike.

Tuesday: Lift. Stationary bike 30 minutes hard effort. Run 2 miles. Stationary bike 30 Minutes (Very hard resistance). Run 2 miles.

Wednesday: 1 hour swim.

Thursday: 5-k Turkey Trot.

Friday: 36 mile bike ride.

Saturday: Vo2 max testing. (Ended up close to 6 miles total - run).

Sunday: Bike with buddy Doran 25 miles. Mostly flats. Hard effort.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

S.O.M.E. Turkey Trot Recap

Hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving. I proudly participated in my 4th Turkey Trot in D.C. benefitting the homeless in the morning. This is an important race because it is the only event I've participated in each year since moving to D.C. a tad over three years ago. And nothing proves you're American more than irrational loyalty to something. I'm also generally fairly choosy with my races as to not support certain themes (military, patriotism, etc.). Our dollars are already stolen enough to co-opt our minds with many of these things, I'd prefer to support Breast Cancer Research or Autism charities (or um....chocolate). These are more deserving of our dinero.

Next weekend is a 15-k (chocolate race), which I don't really have set goals for. I think I'll just run it for the joy (by which I mean the fondue of chocolate at the end of the race). That should only take a bit over an hour to finish. Although the incentive and olfactory whiffs may induce faster speeds! Sugar is paramount in my diet, one absolute staple. 

Anyway, the race was moved to Freedom Plaza this year (where the peace branch of the Occupy Movement is protesting). The protesters were well mannered and some even supported the participants by refraining from peeing on them. It was good to see, in all honesty I have a tremendous amount of respect for these people (especially when I don't get peed on). 

I drove down an hour early as if prepping for a triathlon, only to remember that all I have to do is pick up my bib and attach race chip to shoe (well, that's easy - even for me - although still takes me about half hour b/c I get so distracted). This left me with a lot of time to warm-up and check out all the babes and to debate sneaking in a quick nap in one of the occupier's tents. But I decided against the latter because I wasn't sure if it belonged to a protester or homeless person and didn't want to intrude.

A few weeks back I ran a new PR, 18:51, at a race benefitting Women in Politics at AU. That course had a few difficult hills while this one was almost entirely flat. So I was expecting a faster time. I set my pacer dude on my watch (this is one bad-ass watch ya know) for 18:30 and it tells me how far ahead or behind I am of this runner dude as I'm going along. I'll put the Garmin stats on here in a secondary post. 

My first mile was predictably fast. Everyone jetted out quickly on the slight decline and I followed suit (it's a race after all). I lined up where my pace corral was intended (6:00 per mile) while 8 year-olds and 60 year-olds lined up ahead of me at 5 min. per mile. These people are allowed to be ran over. Our government would call this 'collateral  damage'. I call them 'recipients of the stiff arm' or 'get the fuck outta my way I'm gunning for a PR over here - oh and Happy Thanksgiving :)'. Most receive one of the two, some of the real obstacles (meaning obese people) get both. I'm such a well-adjusted son of a gun... 

Took me awhile to meander around the bastads, until I saw a guy who looked like he was maintaining his pace and would be good to follow. The race went by quickly. My pace slowed somewhere between 1.5-2.5 miles I believe. I was working hard, and ready to be done. I kept my sights on the fast looking fella and tried to keep the gap small. 

I knew I was going to break 19 again, but wasn't sure by how much. I tried to leave enough in the tank for a kick, but actually was pleased that I couldn't muster one (meant I pushed myself the entire race). I crossed in 18:4something and my official gun-time was 18:36. Good enough for 34th overall (one woman beat me - emasculation is such sweet sorrow when you're a feminist). I was 33rd out of 2059 men (something like 2500 women). It feels good to be one of the earlier finishers. You get greeted with the loudest cheers, you get dibs on all the good food and you can beat the traffic and lines that come later (not to mention street cred and a high five from the turkey mascot - both of which are most important). Setting aside my reclusive, misanthropic ways (just for a few minutes mind you) I cheered on all finishers who made it under 28 minutes. I figure that those who are slower than that weren't worthy of my kindness (I have only a limited supply and must be given in proper dosages or I will end up like those Vampires in the movies). 

I'm feeling good. I've gained about 10 pounds (yikes!) since the end of the tri season, but I have incorporated more speed workouts into my training and my times continue to decrease. I'm focusing hard on bike/run this winter, hoping to kick ass and take names next summer come tri season. 

Watch out. More coming soon...

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Column Link

This should be my last column for the semester, published today. I gotta work Wednesday and Friday, although it seems most other people have those days off. Thanksgiving is the run for the homeless so no sleeping in for me!

Speaking of fed. government snafus: The Super-committee failed to compromise on the budget. Does this come as a surprise to anyone? An even number of people from opposite parties (who despise each other) were supposed to solve the crisis? This was such a laughably doomed plan from its inception it'd be smarter to convert Muslims to Jews. The government once again, proving its ineptitude . But don't worry ladies and gents let's keep entrusting them because, after all, they're keeping us safe. Gag me.

http://www.theeagleonline.com/opinion/story/reserving-the-right-to-change-our-minds/

Monday, November 21, 2011

Last Week's Workouts

So Mi Mama came and left and she is now safely back in the hole of hell known as Durango, Colorado. She left D.C. yesterday at 5:30 P.M. (EST) and didn't arrive in Durango until almost 1AM (MST). Quite a trip! Besides having to deal with the cantankerous me, she said she had a wonderful trip and it was fun to usher her around my city. I took her to District restaurants like Coco Sala, Ben's Chili Bowl, Busboy's and Poets, Los Cuates, Sprinkles, and Vappianos. She got to see where i work (The Mark Center) the MLK memorial, the Jefferson, The Lincoln, FDR, The Mall area, the SW waterfront, Georgetown, American University, all of GW, Bethesda and the farmer's market at Dupont Circle. In between she visited nursing school friends (she's a College Park UMD alumna) in Columbia and Ellicot City, Maryland.

Kinda feel bad for Pops. He got the short shrift when he came out.

I had a busy week but was able to sneak in a few workouts as always. I'm running the Turkey Trot for the Homeless (only thing I've done every year since I moved to D.C.) Thanksgiving morning. Last year I caught the flu that night and threw up the biggest meal of the year ALL NIGHT. I'll try and avoid that this time. I am looking to run another P.R. The course moved this year, but it's still relatively flat which is in my favor. I'm also getting my VO2 max tested. I've wanted to do this for YEARS and finally found a good opportunity to do it this weekend. It's 90 bucks, but since i don't have a coach and make up all my workouts myself, it can help me make sure I'm training at the right HR zones.


Have you guys been reading about the deaths lately? The Washington Post did a big spread on deaths (9) in triathlon this year, and 2 people died this past weekend during the Philadelphia Marathon. As extreme sports gain traction among the general populace, more people believe they can compete and are often unprepared. It's pretty scary as it can happen to anyone (including me with my heart issues), but what's troubling is it's becoming the norm, not the abberation.

I'm gonna start registering for my 2012 races this week. I'm thinking of doing the bigger ones that are a distance away but would make for excellent weekend trips (Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, Deleware, Columbia, etc.) I will post a proposed schedule as a new column as soon as I confirm my spots....

Monday: 45 minute lift. Tuesday night Hill Ride loops (4 laps). 26 miles total.

Tuesday: 45 minute lift. 8x7x6x5x4x3x2x1 minute fast runs with half the time off (walking) in between each interval.

Wednesday: 300 yard warm up swim. 15x100. 5x200. 1x500. 300 yard cool down.

Thursday: 35 minute spin (stationary bike - time trial). 15 minute run. Then repeat.

Friday: 45 minute lift. 10k run in 39:40.

Saturday: Off. I'm gettin' lazy over here!!!!

Sunday: 12 mile run 1:30.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Who (and Where) My Readers Are

Sometimes I get curious who is reading my thoughts (besides God and the gov't). Last night after school, a classmate approached me and said he and his girlfriend read my latest column (print edition). He said he really liked it, but his girlfriend thought it was bullshit. Apparently they argued about it for awhile and agreed to disagree (meaning both parties agree that the other one is stupid - we call this win-win in America). So I did the only logical thing to do. I told him to dump his girlfriend immediately. It's clear she has bad taste.

No, I told him that she wasn't the only one. Most feedback I received was negative or disputed my premise. Which just goes to show you that 'being wrong' is a virus and it's spreading dangerously. Thankfully, I remain immune via my righteousness - as God has spared me from this by whispering  'perfection' the moment of my birth (or maybe he said 'rejection' - hard to tell with all the background noise). On the rare occasion where I misstep (never), I'm amenable to learning from my blunder. Although usually the way this plays out is something like the following: 1) large consensus of people say I'm wrong. 2) me insert iPod headset. 3) repeat.

Or I write a retraction (or close enough) on my blog.

Anyway, you (yes, you) have stolen the attention that is rightfully mine today (thanks a lot), because I want to know just who my audience is. I don't know about The Eagle columns, but I do have some tools at my disposal through Blogger. Blogger has this neat little icon I found recently called, "Stats." I'm actually quite surprised I didn't notice this earlier as stats used to be as important to me as sugar or shoplifting (or both combined on a good day). I remember crushing a team by 20 and shooting a three as time expired just so I could say I scored 30. Some people call this 'being an asshole.' For me, it's about basking in the glory of your awesomeness (aka asshole).

Okay, okay, this time I'm really gonna focus on you guys. When I click on the Stats button, tons of charts and maps and graphs appear. I get everything from how many hits I've garnered today to which country people are viewing from.

So without further delay, let's review:

In the last month I have the following hits from these places.


United States
1,067
Netherlands
103
Israel
85
United Kingdom
70
Russia
60
Germany
50
Canada
42
Egypt
30
Ukraine
30
India
16

 
All time looks something like this:


United States
17,092
Ukraine
422
Canada
385
United Kingdom
344
Netherlands
331
Germany
330
Russia
307
France
185
Luxembourg
116
Israel
111


It also supplies quick snapshots:


Pageviews today
60
Pageviews yesterday
56
Pageviews last month
1,740
Pageviews all time history
21,732


Granted, a slew of these hits could be from SPAM. Or maybe the Netherlands just think I'm dope as shit. Hard to tell. Point is, when I arrive in any one of these countries I'm expecting the red carpet and the royal treatment. If it's the Netherlands I'm expecting prime opium. And if it's Israel, at least one shotgun.

Monday, November 14, 2011

But It's My HOME TEAM!!!!

Previously, I've posted about how I almost always 'cheer' (dance wildly sans clothes) for the winning team. As a fan of practically every sport, I like to cheer for winners. A day in my brain is filled with such nihilistic frustration, that the last thing I want to do is plop on the couch and encounter my favorite team being snipped and sheered by the lowly Clippers. I just don't. My day sucked already. So, if the Clippers happen to be opposing my favorite team, I will try and find endearing things about this group and reappropriate my feelings for the evening (assuming 'my' team is the one losing) and jump on the bandwagon near Staples Center. My 'team' wins regardless. It's a wonderful life after all :).

Most people don't agree with this sentiment (see reason(s) for nihilism above) and continue to express their brio behind a bunch of people they've never met and vicariously put their emphasis on winning behind a group of men that could often care less (they get paid either way, right?). This we call - normal behavior. Which reminds me of the quote, what do you do when it's the society that's insane, not you??? Answer: They lock you up in an institution somewhere.

But what's really aggravating, is when people have that unconditional feeling that never waivers. Like Penn State fans. Despite Joe Paterno's dismissive handling of flagrant acts of pedophilia, the students, and many alumni have rallied around him. Who cares about justice ladies and gentlemen? Forget about the child victims, we're talking about JOE PATERNO here.

Wait, but, should'nt we be focusing on the chil...
This guy is a hero! An Icon!
Right, but, don't these kids deserve justi...
To fire this man in his last season and tarnish his repuation! Preposterous!
Okay, but didn't he implicitly condone this type of behavior by not going to authorit...
I just can't believe Good Ol' Joe is taking the fall for this.

Variations of this very conversation I have had over the past week (gag me).

With my Mom in town (a Pennsylvania gal) we were not immune. Not only did she have some lukewarm affectionate feelings behind Joe Blow, she is also a Pittsburgh Steelers fan.

I don't think any woman should have to cheer for a guy like Ben Rothlesberger. Guy is a creep. Possibly a rapist. Certainly a chauvinistic, egotistic punk. Why should a woman like my Mom have to cheer for this man?

Other guys on that roster aren't shining beacons of civility and respect either. (not that the Steelers are alone here)

Anyway, my beef is with people clinging onto their hometown teams. I think it's ridiculous. If the Phoenix Suns trade Steve Nash and replace him with  Delonte West, I'm not gonna cheer for the Suns anymore. I shouldn't have to. I change my favorite 'team' and 'players' constantly. I'm open-minded like that. We have a right to change our minds when something 'new' comes out about an individual and team that we disapprove of. We call this being discrening. Being informed. And perhaps, being open-minded.

Michael Vick is a good example. I thought the guy was a magnificent player. Then I found out about the dog-ring and used that information to influence my decision about my support of him. ***Sidenote: I also think it's impossible to COMPLETELY disregard any condemning personal information and see only the 'athlete.' I don't think it's possible to actually do that honestly.Perhaps with certain petty individual offenses, but not with something as egregious as child rape or wholesale slaughtering of dogs.***

Granted, I have come to once-again appreciate Michael Vick. He served his time. He has done some good work with PETA and other animal rights groups. He seems contrite and has no intention of repeating that heinous act again. He's also a tremendous athlete and one that works really hard (unlike Big Ben). Once again, I'm exercising my discretion to 'change my mind'.

The main culprit I'm getting after here is the notion of 'unconditionality'. It may seem like a romantic concept. It may seem loyal. It may seem resolute and principled. But it's handicapped by refusing to allow new information to alter our perspectives. That is extremely dangerous, and something we shouldn't be indulging in.

Cheering for your hometown team may seem natural (it's certainly pervasive). And I always have a special affinity for Arizona squads (and now, Washington ones too). But I reserve the right to cheer for the Patriots ( Tom Brady is just so damn sexy) when they crush the New York Jets. But I'm telling ya, if he leaves Gisele and knocks up another supermodel, I just might change my mind (as then he truly is God incarnate).

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Last Week's Workouts

Been notably absent the past few days. I'm trying to hibernate until all the military adoration is over. May be composing another column on this insane, pervasive veneration next week...Also, Mom arrived to visit Saturday afternoon, so I've been doing my best to usher her around D.C. She's getting the lowdown on all the authentic Washington hotspots. I absolutely love having her in town, she's a remarkable woman.

Monday: 1 hour lift w/ abs. Hill Repeats on the bike. 14 total (off Mass and Goldsboro). 20 miles overall.

Tuesday: 40 minute lift. 20x.3mile speed running workout. .1mile walk after each. All between 11.1-11.4 mph.

Wednesday: 35 mile bike ride (mostly flats).

Thursday: 45 minute lift. 10-k in 39:40.

Friday: Off (IT HAPPENS!!!!!!!) Did do a 2 hour leisurely hike for good measure.

Saturday: 11 mile run (7:37 pace)

Sunday: 10 minute abs. 50 minute swim.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

So...Maybe I'm Wrong

Sir Charles (Barkley) once noted, "I may be wrong, but I doubt it." I'll always have a special affinity for the Round Mound of Rebound. Growing up in Phoenix, he was my hero in the early 90's - him and Macaulay Culkin (probably not in that order). Sure he has his flaws - screwing prostitutes, throwing people through windows, being er, larger than expected, but Charles certainly doesn't beat around the bush. He calls it like he sees it, and there's almost nothing I appreciate more than someone who is unapologetically honest. He was also a damn good ball player, even though he never eclipsed KJ as my favorite.

I bumped into Barkley a few times during my childhood in the Phoenix area (a couple times at Burger King). One notable time was the morning after Team USA played China in an exhibition game. As pundits were wont to criticize Charles for his 'lackadaisical' work ethic, what my Pops and I witnessed startled us. Chugging along the sidewalk on Shea Boulevard wearing blue Auburn shorts and a damp grey t-shirt was Barkley. He was alone. And he was huffing and puffing.

It was 112 degrees. And the few mesquite and palm trees offered little reprieve to shield the sun.

So what does Pops do? He turns off Shea and flips a U-Turn in the neighborhood. "What's going on, Dad?" I asked quizically.

"Let's track 'em down. Maybe you can get his autograph. He couldn't have gone that far...this is Barkley we're talking about." (good point)

He quickly maneuvered around the cul-de-sac and drove a few blocks ahead of the direction Barkley was running. We idled inside the truck, hoping he would continue his trajectory. A minute later, he arrived and we burst out of the car to greet him with the ebullience of a heist. Poor guy. Two white dudes accost him, he never had a chance. I snatched a yellow legal pad my Pops always keeps with him and luckily, we didn't spook Charles off (we probably coulda caught his ass if he tried to run anyway). In fact, he stopped running and chatted for a minute, scribbled down his John Hancock and sweated all over the yellow paper. You can see the dried rippled sweat marks to this day.

Charles didn't have a poor work ethic. That was bullshit. Charles had problems. Like gambling, staying out late, drinking, overeating fast food, but that dude would train hard. He did everything hard. That's just who he is.     

Anyway, that was a longer tangent than intended, so back to his famous words. My latest column - in a nutshell- says that women are instinctively attracted to fit men. And that the reason some claim they don't really care that much (about dating men who are fit), is only by watching their glutton's of a father growing up and watching TV. Socialization has battled their inner predilections. Now, it's completely normal for women to accept >30 men as heavy or out of shape. Even younger in some cases. And even as expectations for their own gender remain high.

My hypothesis is actually a bit deeper, but more or less this is how I feel. However, after having a few discussions with females I found it's a 'slim' possibility that I'm wrong. Me! Wrong?! Is this possible? I know, I know, it's about as likely as getting struck by lightning indoors, but that HAPPENS.

Is it possible I'm placing my emphasis on fitness vicariously onto women to validate my own hard work? Are women REALLY NOT as 'shallow' as men - and it's not just a byproduct of the culture?

I'm non-plussed. Many women I speak with claim that looks (specifically how toned a body is) are marginally important (at best). And the evidence speaks for itself. So maybe I'm just projecting my importance of fitness onto others to justify my own 'shallow' views. Is it possible I'm wrong?

It's possible. But I doubt it. 

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Column Link

It's been about a month since the ruckus that was my last column. In between, I was due to compose another, but was incapacitated because my irregular heart rate affected my brainwaves and focus. But I did manage to write one last week that was published today.

**Some back-story on this column** - It was my intention not to write a heavily slanted opinion. My main goal was to spawn some discussion and make people examine the issue. The editors had some problems following the flow and discerning 'the point'. After many back-and-forths, what you see is the final product (after much cropping/editing/crying). I always struggle with the way I want to compose a piece and the formulaic way I'm (somewhat) expected to. Most writers ascribe to a certain format, and at times so do I. But other times I just want to write to challenge, and elicit critical examination, nothing more complicated than that.

Anyway, the idea came from a lively discussion we had where a friend mentioned that his girlfriend didn't care if he exercised or not. She liked him anyway. Perhaps I can follow-up with more depth but see for yourself...

http://www.theeagleonline.com/opinion/story/six-packs-no-match-for-social-norms/

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Last Week's Workouts

This is from the home site of runwashington.com. I hate to admit it, but I'm the one in the blue on blue (in tights). Just bought them the day before (what kind of Phoenix kid owns a pair of tights??)

Getting lazy over here. Well, so are you, actually. I ask for one thing...one simple thing (resting heart rate) and you can't even get me that? You guys are in timeout.

Okay, I'll let it slide. Truth is, I have a significant paper due this Wednesday and I've put it off until this weekend, meaning I haven't had time to post. I did run an 18:51 5-k race this weekend (putting me 5th overall). My feminism group at AU sponsored the Race to Representation 5-k. The proceeds from the race go to the institute that helps elect women. Below is a pic of the flier I made that went in over 400 race day packets. Anyway, really, really cold, but a fun race and my first mile split was 5:22. A wee bit fast lol. I'll be looking to run a tad faster (overall time) at the race for the homeless on Thanksgiving morning.



Monday: 45 minute lift w/ abs. 10k run in 39:40.

Tuesday: 23 mile hill ride. Hard Effort.

Wednesday: 30 min. lift w/ abs. Swim 300yd warm-up. 10x100, 5x200, 5x100, 300 yard cool down.

Thursday: 45 min. lift. 2 mile run @ 12:35. 60 min. spin class (pretty much sucked). 2 mile run @12:25.

Friday: 30 min. lift. 45 minute swim.

Saturday: 5-k race  18:51.

Sunday: 12 mile run in 1:31.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Facial Hair



Bear with me for a second. So Brad Pitt and I are actually a lot alike. We're both men. We both like chicks. We're both spectacularly handsome. We both have been to a movie. We both have facial hair. There are probably other similarities of note, but that's a sufficient truncated list for now.

On nights when I'm bored and not preoccupied with typical guilty pleasures like mugging the elderly, I hop online. Hopping online is fun. It's like typing and scrolling online, but you burn more calories this way. Anyway, after 'hopping' online, I think of interesting things to Google (coincidentally, this will be my future excuse for 'private time' away from my wife). 

Sometimes I come up with some pretty lame stuff. Stuff like, "Does cracking your fingers really cause arthritis?" Or maybe, "What's a good resting pulse rate?" Actually, I still want to know the answer to this (mine's 54), and the only way to do so is by conducting an irrefutable, undeniable, scientific poll (the same way they decide who to elect President). Therefore, I'm asking all my readers to comment with their RESTING PULSE RATE. And credit card number. Both of those things. Okay, if you forget the credit card #, I'll let it slide (get it) this time. Man, narcotics really make me loopy (you're thinking to yourself, is he really on PK's or is he just fucking with us?? And..I'm not telling). 

Back to me and Brad. As many of you may know, "Fight Club" is one of my favorite movies. Sure, not enough people die. Yes, there's not enough sex scenes. I know. And yes, not as many innocent people are killed to satisfy the typical American appetite, but let's give it 4 stars out of 5.  

Anyway, no one is handsome(er) than Pitt in this film. Whenever normal people see someone who they admire, the natural next step is to ascertain how close they are to this person. In Mr. Pitt's and I's case, we can safely determine (based on lengthy empirical list in first paragraph) we're practically twins. Therefore, I will Google the phrase, Brad Pitt Facial Hair. 

And here you have a ton of options to choose from. Probably generates more hits than David Guetta. That dude is creative (Pitt, that is). So the next logical step in the 'person you admire' theory is to replicate what they do. "Hey, if it looks good on them, it will look good on me." 

Problem is, as stunning as both of us are, he and I don't look that much alike. My facial symmetry is perfect while his nose looks like he broke it a few times. Also, his ears are too big. Oh, and his hairline is receding like polar ice caps. Besides that, (as mentioned before) he's almost attractive. But the logical next step is to apply his facial hair to moi, and then the transformation from twins to 'clone' is complete. Wa la...

So why when I look in the mirror am I still not seeing his reflection? Do I need botox???