Wednesday, February 6, 2013
What you learn when you own a dog
Most times, he just wants some food. And for me to chase him and give him a T-R-E-A-T. I have to spell it out now, cuz he's reading this and he'll figure it out if I'm not subtle. He also knows the term "Hungry?" Which is kind of a no-brainer (hence, easy for me) as there has yet to be a situation where he doesn't shake enthusiastically in concurrence. Say for example he had a tablespoon of peanut butter, a few chips from my lunch, and his dog food for his lunch. If I were to casual say, "Man those African children on TV sure look hungry," he will start licking his chops immediately. He'll start pacing back and forth, wondering what the hold up is. He may even start jumping up and down if there's limited horizontal space.
But truly, there are SOOO so many things to be learned from owning a dog. Let me share a few of them:
1) The little things count.
- A tummy rub, a pat on the head, a nice compliment all do wonders for his psyche (and ours too).
2) Be enthusiastic/get excited.
- When's the last time you got genuinely jacked for something? A race, a meal, a weekend, a vacation? Even those things are too often consumed with dullness or monotony. Rarely do we say, "FUCK YES! ICE CREAM! OMG I AM SOOOO HAPPY RIGHT NOW. HAAGEN DAAZ YOU ARE AN ARYAN GOD!". So in other words, do yourself a favor and go get completely hammered. Then you'll remember what it feels like. Na, but to see how ebullient he gets for even a milkbone or a day without a severe beating really brings tears to my eyes. Lesson learned.
3) They're smarter than you.
- They appreciate the little things which - a sign of wisdom. They also speak more of your language than you speak of theirs. They pick up on inflection and tone waaaaay more than most folks (like "Yeeesh, can't this guy take a hint??") They understand exercise is paramount and must be done daily.
4) They are ALWAYS happy to see you.
- The caveat of course, is during a severe beating. In which case they'd probably prefer you were on the receiving end of one of 'our' drone bombs killing children in Africa/Asia. But then again, you don't speak their language so clearly you don't know shit about what they're thinking.
5) They love nature.
- Granted they also drop numerous deuces all over it. And pee on pretty much anything that sticks out of the ordinary. But, that's just 'showering' nature with love. You'd do it too if you could. But you can't. Cuz the government will incarcerate you if you did. So keep your johnson in your trousers tough guy.
6) They provide you with the perfect excuse for just about anything.
- In an awkward conversation? Say you gotta go check on your dog. Out walking your dog in aforementioned situation? Say you have a vet appointment to catch. If it's past 9PM in said situation? Tell them your dog has to watch the end of the Bachelor or else he'll refuse to go to bed and start banging his head against the wall. Problem. Solved.
7) They're playful!
- Why aren't people playful? Most of us are so uptight all the time. Lighten up and smile more! Wag more. Bark less. Simply start smelling butts. It's that simple.
8) They don't waste hours on TV and know how to take a good nap.
- This is pretty self-explanatory. There's better things to do. Like butt smelling. And begging for food.
9) They don't whine and vent about their days.
- Most of us do a pretty burdensome job pawning off our problems on the next bloke willing to lend half an ear. Fuck that I say. Life is tough. Get a dog. Life gets better. Lesson learned.
10) You will meet many people.
- Best way to meet new friends is by having your mutt with you. In a sense their handsomeness distracts from your ugliness. It's a win for you I promise. Don't be so sensitive, geez. Go reread lesson 7.
11) Providing for them gives your life meaning.
- There's no better feeling than having a head on your chest at the end of a long day. Nothing beats it. Especially if another head is visiting other areas....
12) Lonnnng walks.
- I've always enjoyed walking. It helps 'shake the legs out' after tough workouts and has a calming effect. It burns calories, helps clear your mind and gets you fresh air and that weird vitamin everyone's always talking about. Plus you can catch up on the phone if you like. I get at least 2 miles in a day with him. Often more. It adds up and helps keep us both happy. Plus being outside builds toughness when it's cold and is simply pleasant when it's warm. Love it.