Saturday, February 1, 2014

Typical Conversation w/ Leroy

Leroy: Okay, gotta go out. You know the routine. Hop to it.

Me: Dog in derrrrrrrr?!?!?! How you doing doggy??? Is that you??? I thought that was you.

Leroy: Don't play this game. You know damn well it's me.

Me: How do I know if that's my dog in there?!?!?! Can't see a dog in there....don't hear a dog in there???

Leroy: Christ man, are you blind? I'm literally right in front of you. Yet you say this. Time and again. Time and again.

Me: Hmmmm, maybe that's not him in there. Maybe he stole my dog and replaced him with you.

Leroy: Yep. You caught me. Swapped your Leroy out for an identical looking dog. I'm just full of surprises aren't I? I'm the dog swapper. Just go around place to place swapping dogs.

Me: Doesn't really smell like my dog in derrrrr. Maybe this is a new dog in here?!?

Leroy: We're not making any progress here are we?

Me: Guess I have a new dog today. Wonder if this dog has eaten dinner?

Leroy: What, me? No. Hell no. Absolutely not. Haven't eaten in weeks. Look at me. I'm skin and bones. Skin and bones. Starving.

Me: Guess I could scrounge something up for him. Maybe a prime rib or a rack of ribs? Maybe a sirloin or a NY strip.

Leroy: Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! That sounds good. Oh man. Let me at it. Let me at it. Now. Now.

Me: Then again, Ash keeps this place vegan so you kinda swapped out the wrong dog now didn't ya? Ain't that clever now are ya? Maybe I have some carrots though or...look...quinoa.

Leroy: In all honesty that sounds pretty damn good too.

Me: Yikes. Is that all we got to eat around here.

Leroy: Whoa there. What are you complaining about? Sounds delicious. I'll have it. Give it to me. C'mon you know you want to.

Me: Looks like Taco Bell is in the cards for tonight doggy.

Leroy: You, you, you. Always you. When is it about me? Dammit you distracted me. You're supposed to take me out. Remember. That's why I did the whole face on knee?

Me: Damn, Taco Bell does sound kinda good. Know it's still open too.

Leroy: Great. He's now fantasizing over Taco Bell.

Me: Really like that new grilled stuft nacho. Pretty sure that's vegan.

Leroy: My owner's lost it. 


Anonymous said...

I think Leroy is right, his owner has really lost it. Hope Ashley is still operating on all cylinders though. Funny post in in here, though...

Anonymous said...

If I were Leroy, I would certainly be thinking that a meaty burrito would sure beat seitan anyday. Sounds like you and he have a great relationship.

Anonymous said...

Too funny, to have a conversation with your dog. When I speak to dogs its always about their needs never my own. I get perturbed by their selfishness and desire to eat, eat, eat. You'd think they would have evolved as a species, like us, and learned to colonize, annihilate and in short improve their surroundings. But they did somehow manage to turn their hosts into their slaves, so perhaps we have been outsmarted ! DAMN!

Anonymous said...

Have you considered a job in canine literature? It may not pay as well as your current job but the perks of drooling salubrious love on your levis cannot be calculated in$ value. Keep barking.

Anonymous said...

So do you talk to Ashley like this? Is my girl in derrrr????

Anonymous said...

Just wondering. Are there other voices you keep hearing in your brain? Does your furniture speak to you? What does the oven say? " Hey Con , let's bake some brownies, o.k. big fella".
I find I enjoy conversations mostly with my refrig. which is always pushing me to consume, consume, consume. I think it gets a kick back from my toilet bowl but I am short on evidence of this conspiracy.